To Walk or to Stay?

When we talk about single parenthood, many think of single moms. Yet there are dads too who have elected to be the responsible ones in this situation. In an era where the world is replete with fathers suffering from a responsibility deficiency, Ivan Sewajje, a brand manager at The Innovation Village, a techie, and Co-founder at DigiMark stands out. 

He sat down with us to share his story.

You’re one of the people who write a lot about parenting on Social Media. But maybe we can start from the point where you’ve mentioned single parenthood. What were the circumstances like for you?

My single parenthood journey is a choice. It is not like someone forced the children on me. It has been a conversation of responsibility where I get to choose my children over anything. So, the circumstances were all self-imposed. 

Ideally one would think that for a child to grow to the best of their ability, they need both parents. Now you mentioned that your situation was self-imposed, does it mean that the mother to the children isn’t in the picture anymore?

I have two children from two different moms. Vanessa, 8 years and Davis, 4. So, the story about my daughter starts at campus. I got her when I was in my last year. I met someone and we hooked up, went to a couple of night outs. Someone might refer to them as terrible mistakes but I’d call them beautiful mistakes because of the experience I have had with my children, and my daughter specifically. 

When I found out that my daughter’s mom was pregnant, I was really shocked. I was only 23. I had two options: either to run away or to man up and see it through. And if I may put some sort of context around it, the mom was in her final year too. She was an expat and had to return home.

And I remember her telling me there’s no way she’s going back home with a child. I don’t believe in abortion so I told her to stick around for some time – a year or so. 

There was no ruckus or fights. It was a purely mutual and healthy conversation. By this time, I was out of campus and available for my daughter and I must say I had a soft spot for her. I was so attached to my daughter. 

I didn’t have money or anything. In fact, I was just doing my internship. At that time the child was one year and two months old. There was a bit of a communication blackout with the mom. Perhaps her phones changed. So, I started living with my daughter. After some time, my baby mama reached out.

By this time, she had a new family of her own which incidentally had relocated to Uganda. So, I had to send my daughter over to catch up with her mother but she seemed hesitant to go there. So, we had to sit down again with the mom to talk about the issue and we found out that our daughter didn’t fit in well because there were other children now. And so, we decided she’d call in on her once in a while. The bottom line is there was an assurance that I was taking good care of the girl. 

So, let me draw you back a little bit. There’s this other child, is the story similar for the mother as well or she’s still in the picture?

There’s a bit of similarity. Around the time when my daughter was three, it hit me that there are things she needed to learn that I couldn’t teach, so I called my mom to help as I rebuilt my life and restructured my career. So, I started dating again. I did this to find a mom for my daughter and someone I can actually stay with. So, I found this really beautiful woman and we started dating.

Two years down the road she got pregnant. I was ready to experience what love is again. We got a son — Davis joined our family.

Around that time, I was venturing into some business with my two friends. They are actually business partners now. They had started a creative agency and were in need of someone from a creative background. I joined in as a partner but later acquired some stakes and joined in fully. So, it took a lot of my time and I must admit, that it’s close to 90% my fault that I lost that lady. I did not have enough time and I was all immersed in building the startup. 

Amidst all this was the fact that I was working with two beautiful women. Perhaps it created some sort of mistrust that maybe something was going on between me and either of these friends. As a piece of advice to single fathers, never date for your children. Just do it for you because you need a companion not because they are going to help you raise a child. That was the mistake I made. I dated because I wanted someone to help me walk the journey of raising a daughter with me.

You did mention the time aspect, and I think when it comes to human relationships, it is very important. You’ve heard the saying perhaps already that children spell love as T-I-M-E. And I know you’re a busy person and there’s a lot going on in your life. You’re running a startup coupled with your nine-to-five, how do you really manage to juggle your work but also spare time for the children to make them feel loved especially in the sense that you’re a single parent?

Children do not require a lot of your time. That’s a myth. If anything, the attention span of children is actually very low. So, in a day you only have to be present for a short while but consistently. 

I read to my children every day. Even if I go back late, they wait because they know before bed, I have to read to them. It’s routine for me to create bonding time whenever I return from work. I fix an hour or maybe thirty minutes. 

It is a priority issue. If something is of sentimental value to you, you’re always going to figure out a time to call in and check in. And it’s always those small things done consistently. For instance, we have Prayer days, we have Read days. If you keep on doing those little things, that is what creates value and trust. 

I keep on saying children don’t remember what you bought them but the time you spent with them. For instance, if I asked you, you probably don’t even remember your favorite toy but you can remember the time you spent with your father or mother. When they made you smile. It could be just one minute but they will never forget it. So, it’s about consistency really. Look, a day has  24 hours and you work for probably ten hours. What happens to the rest of the time?

Ivan with his children on an excursion.

I think that is very important when you mention priority, and I totally agree with you. Now I just would like to know this. You are a very tech-savvy person and I surmise that you have introduced technology to your children already. We are in an era of technology and there’s a lot of uncensored content on the internet. First of all, do your children have gadgets and if they do, how do you put in place control measures to ensure that they don’t come into touch with harmful content?

My children do have gadgets, but I control their screen time. I also entirely ran away from pay-TV. At home, we don’t watch the news because of how tormenting and sad the news is. There’s always gory news that makes it to the headlines. There’s more to the country that is not aired on TV. No one talks about stories like this one, or how a Ugandan startup has raised a million dollars. Those stories are out there but people love sad stories that bring. Plus it’s the sad tales that sell. I cannot subject my kids to that kind of focal nutrition. 

My entire home is an ecosystem: we have stable fiber internet and my children are enrolled in an online school. Also, my daughter goes to some café here in Ntinda for technology and STEM. So, to sum it up, my kids are subjected to technology already and I think it is going to help me in the long run.

 Most of the time you are not home and are always on the move trying to make ends meet. And I’m curious to know that in an age like this, the most viable options will be either to have a house help or maybe enroll the children in a daycare or something like that. How’s the day like in your household in regards to your children. 

Under normal circumstances, I wake up and prepare cereal for them so that when they wake up, they find their breakfast ready. But also, I have a walk-in nanny. For some reason, I just don’t want my kids to get used to a nanny and yet later they might have to go.

I think it makes a lot of sense. Some people leave their children with nannies and of course as humans we have our flaws. So, you find that the children are taking after this person. If there are wrong habits about them, you will wonder where the children even pick this?

Exactly, these are the things I try to eliminate. I also stay with my cousin and she has been a great help as well. She’s been there from the time I started living with my children. And has been the person I have worked with on literally everything. So, to answer your question on what my day looks like. I wake up in the morning and prepare breakfast for my children. If it is school time, I prepare the containers. And they wake up when breakfast is ready. Then they get to eat and go to school. Deborah always helps me take them to school if I can’t make it.

I think that answered the question I was coming to. Because you have two children and one of them is a girl. And you know growing up she’s eight, and very soon she will hit adolescence. And there are lots of questions that are going to come up especially on sexuality, on body changes that you might not be in the best position to address. And to some extent might require a female relative or aunt.

Yes, but also, I’m raising my kids to talk to me about anything. I taught my daughter everything she knows. From cleaning herself after number 2 to bathing and cleaning her lady parts. If anything is hurting, she’d say, ‘hey, daddy, my parts are hurting.’ But she also knows that no one is allowed to see her naked not even me. Now when she’s showering, she’ll say hey dad I need some privacy. And this is a harvest from a series of conversations we have had over time about privacy, about being a girl, and all that comes with it. 

So of course, with the help from Deborah, it becomes easier to talk about different things. But what I know is that it is easier to start a conversation right now before it becomes hard and that is one thing I always strive for as a dad. At home, we talk about literally everything. We build that healthy culture of sharing. For example, every day my children are accountable. In the morning if I wake up and they are already awake, I’d tell them today you need to tell me three things you are going to learn. And in the evening, they would present to me.  So, there’s that accountability that we always look for. And it has helped us build an honest and conversational culture. 

I think one thing, Ivan, that I take away from this conversation is that you cannot parent by proxy.  But you have to be really involved. It’s amazing even when you talk about the openness to initiate conversations when the children are young. Because it even makes it easier especially when your children get to that age of adolescence. And what you are doing is something other parents should emulate. It makes it easy for even your girl to come and tell you if say someone tried to molest them. So, they know what should not be done to them. 

The earlier you start such conversations, the better. I always want to give my kids everything I didn’t get when growing up. Things like communication and sharing freely but what covers all the pain is that you get to draw a torch back and see where it all started from and where you are right now. When my daughter sends me a message saying, hey dad have a good day. Remember to smile, the world counts on you. 

I’m wondering from your perspective from the time you had your first child, now the second, what do you think are the greatest lessons you’ve drawn from parenting as a whole.

I think the first lesson is that we need to educate ourselves as men that not everything is about us. And that children are not as hard to raise as it is written in books. If you think about it, how much does a child consume in a day? Yet you can still drink ten - twenty thousand in a day. You can still do all these things. People don’t want to share and that builds up the ego of I don’t want children. Yes, it has some truth because someone might not be ready. But if a child comes right now, what do you do?

That’s a very pertinent question and that pushes me to the point of realization like you mentioned previously, that there’s so much that we don’t learn while growing up and we end up making the same mistakes those before us made. It’s refreshing to listen to someone doing something right in the face of a responsibility deficiency that should have been done away with. 

Exactly! But what I want people to know is that even a man can raise children. I’ve been raising my children from one year and a half. And guess where they are now. I’m not saying this is the best example of raising children or that it’s okay to raise children alone. No, it is not. Children need both parents; that’s the best thing that you can do for them. If you can’t make the journey alone, please be responsible and get a good person to go with. 

When you look into the future and the journey that you’re going to walk with your children, how would you measure success?

My success was for instance when I could provide for my daughter. There was a point when I could not. But also, success is subjective. From the time she could barely talk until now that she can leave a note on the door for me. That is success. It gives you a feeling of wait, I actually did create this! When I see my son, he doesn’t say a lot. So, there are days when he’d call in and say, dad, I want to be with you yet he is not particularly the clingy type. It’s those little things. 

The first time my son started eating food after two months of battling infant malady was a success. One time, my daughter came from school and said she didn’t want to go back there. So, I asked her why? And she said the children mocked her that she didn’t have a mother. I told her she actually had many moms. You have your mothers like Aunt Maria, Josie, Deborah, and all these other guys have one so jokes on them.

So parenting gives you the opportunity to right some wrongs. To sort of redefine yourself? To make someone better?

True. And now sometimes people ask me in regards to career, how I’ve managed to reach where I am. And I tell them my daughter made me. 

What does that mean? 

That means I would never be the man I am now if it wasn’t for my daughter. She made me a responsible person. She made me realise my mistakes and actually act upon them. The moment I chose her, is the moment I chose the right path. I started to see life differently. 

Thank you, Ivan!